Saturday, March 31, 2007

Revolving headspace

It's been a strange time. News that E's boss is heading to Oxford has sparked up our desire to gaze into the future and attempt to direct and control probably the uncontrollable.

We've been searching our selves, our relationship and the Internet for answers. Attending career seminars on life out of science, which revealed to both of us, independently that we would rather drop out of the rat-race all together than leave fundamental research science.

So here we are, back where we started trying harder than ever to make this work. At times it seems dark, really unbelievably dark. We both have moments where we are lost in consternation, worrying about it all. It is the only thing I've ever wanted to do- ever! E says it is the only thing he wants to do too. Somehow it just has to work out. We keep fantasizing about it.

Currently it looks like we will be seperated across the UK- him in Oxford, me in Cambridge, paying through the nose to live in horrible little rooms somewhere dreaming of a future where man and wife can live together both working as scientists, hopefully close to our families...... I never thought once we were married that we would be seperated like this. It is sad, but it looks like since we are desperate to do science and we dream of coming home (which looks further and further away than ever), that this is the most likely path to enlightenment.

And every day more and more of our peers leave.... and when we talk to the rest who haven't, most say they hate it and they want to get out. I don't feel this. E doesn't feel this. Why?

It is confusing. We feel pulled in many directions, and pressured to abandon our dreams to adopt a more 'fundable' pathway.

So far we stand true......

Oh, and three good things:
1) E did 6 lovely Westerns yesterday that worked beautifully, making him very happy. Him being very happy makes me very happy. So, we are still feeling happy when we don't think further than next week. Feeling happy is good.
2) It is Saturday and I am planning some ME time to read, do some craft and maybe go and buy a book.... I am looking forward to it.
3) Last weekend I bought a 'moon' light from Habitat's VIP collection for children. It was designed by Buzz Aldrin and is a replica of the moon, with all the correct craters etc. I am currently enjoying very much lying in bed at night watching it..... I love the moon.

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